Why I'm Not Beautiful

As I step out of the shower and begin to dry off my reflection catches my eye and she stares at me from the mirror. She looks deeply into my skin and sees all that I am ashamed of.

The inspection of my body always seems to start at my stomach.
There are dimples, ridges and ripples across where I dream there should be a six pack. My skin is stretched and distended, there are rolls and pinched skin in areas all along my torso. Fatty bumps push out from underneath my armpits as my shoulders roll forward standing in my embarrassment.

It seems like a long observation of my body as her eyes move up and down from head to toe looking over every imperfection and announcing them one by one.
In real time, all of this happens in a matter of seconds. She is judging and criticizing and cruel in her thoughts, but it quickly becomes more.

I hear words begin to spill from my mouth,

“you are so fat and ugly, how can anyone love you?”

It continue as I grab my stomach and squeeze at my fat, “how did you let yourself get this way?”

Since I haven’t yet punished myself enough, I turn to the side to berate my body for how it appears from this view.

“Look at the cellulite in your butt and thighs, how far your stomach protrudes, the way your breasts are small yet shaped with heavy fat, your wide arms covered in stress rashes, I hate you!”

Words quickly shift into screams of self-loathing, mourning desecration of my body. Tears fall from my eyes as if someone opened a faucet at full force and my vision begins to blur.

Her voice fades away. I return to my thoughts so unkind I cannot bear it any longer. I collapse to the floor.

The pain and agony I feel runs deep in my entire being. It’s a part of my authentic self.

Questions being to arise. Do I deserve this life? Am I bringing others down? Would it be better if I end it all?

Anger, hatred, fear, loathing, rage, excruciating sadness seeping from every ounce of my body, mind, and soul. My life has been overtaken by my thoughts.

Life with her is no longer bearable.

Who created this vile creature that lives within me? It was me.

I missed out on so much of my life living this way. Strangely enough, I can confidently say today that I am grateful for those times in my life. Yes, I missed out on a huge chunk of experiences, family, friendship, love, and more, but if my life had never gone down that path I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Who I am today is someone I am proud of. The strength and love within her rescue me whenever life gets rough. As my body has changed during pregnancy, she, has coached me through how to stay in love with my body and how it changes. It is her who coaches me to keep pushing every day even when life feels like it’s trying to crush me into the ground. She, is the courageous one who lives inside of me and shows me the way. Without her past I wouldn’t be me.

And I am so blessed to have her story to share and her triumph to remind me that anything is possible to overcome.

Have you ever stopped for a moment to look at who you have created as your authentic self? Did you know that she is entirely up to you?

Words, however spoken, heard, accepted have GREAT power over us.

We think we give so much of that power to what other people see, but really it’s about what we see.

Who we define ourselves as and what we do with our thoughts is the life we live. For many years I thought my life deserved to be over due to the internal dialogue I fueled myself with daily.

How, you may be wondering, do you stop that flooding sound of doubt and despair you hear inside? It is not easy, but it is entirely possible.

If I’m being completely and utterly honest, it is 100% up to you to change your voice and it is a constant practice. Practice compassion, kindness, and love for yourself & your body daily. It will change you and your life.

Our perception of our world and ourselves is defined by us.

Our perception of our world and ourselves is defined by us.

Hillary BickelComment